How To Text Like A Human Being

Texting etiquettes for everyone.

Texting is so powerful. But with great power, comes great responsibility.
And with great responsibility, comes a need for etiquettes.

Etiquettes that nobody asked for.

So here are 8 (satirical) etiquettes to keep in mind before texting someone!

Etiquette #1

Never start a conversation with anyone over text with someone with “Hi” or “Hey” or anything along those lines and leave it there. Follow it up with the reason you reached out to them.

Did you know that every time you text a “Hi” without context, it slows down your WiFi by 2MBps?

Etiquette #2

It’s always better to leave ten smaller messages than one big message. It’s a lot easier on the eyes.

Of course, if you are leaving ten messages for someone, then your problem isn’t with texting etiquettes. Leave the poor recipient alone before they block you on every texting platform known to mankind.

Etiquette #3

Always be patient when expecting a reply from someone.

Texting that special someone, “When are you gonna be home?” and then driving over to their office does no one any good.

Your kids are probably waiting for someone to serve them dinner at home.

Etiquette #4

Never assume the worst when you don’t get a reply from someone.

Maybe they just found someone way more interesting to text.

Etiquette #5

Use emojis wisely.

The most confusing text I ever got was, “I love dogs too! 😻”

I had that person blocked before lunch. (I’m kidding)

Do not confuse your dog emojis with cat emojis. Biologists have found that dogs and cats are two entirely different animal species.

Etiquette #6

Take your time to reply to texts, only if you’re busy. Most people don’t mind if you reply late.

For the ones who do mind, give a rational explanation.

Tell them that you were about to reply, but then a pigeon you forgot to feed snatched your phone in revenge, so you had to parkour over 4 buildings to get it back, and that is why you replied 4 years later.

Etiquette #7

When you text someone “K”, explain to them whether you meant to say “Okay” or meant to text them potassium from the Periodic Table of Elements to remind them to get enough potassium in concern for their health.

Etiquette #8

Always end a conversation politely.

Probably say something like, “It was nice talking to you! We should catch up in person sometime!”, knowing fully well that you won’t catch up in person any time soon.

(pulls out phone) Siri, remind me to politely end that conversation with my grandmother from 2003 about her asking me if I’ve eaten enough apples for the day.

Thank you for reading! Text responsibly.