Social Distancing 101: 8 Super-Helpful Tips
The guide to keeping distance from other humans you didn’t know you needed.
I’m sooo sorry for being this late on this essential, (satirical) guide to social distancing during the lockdown, but here you go, everyone! 🥳
Presenting Social Distancing 101: The guide you didn’t know you needed! 🎉
Keep 3 feet away from other humans. Even from the ones who offer you “homemade special brownies”. 🧁
A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.
Only step outside for groceries, health emergencies and essentials.
And no, going to the park to feed the pigeons is not an emergency. Just feed the ones you have “kept” in your magician’s hat for now; the ones in the park can wait. 🎩🐦
Scream at your car or two-wheeler and get that frustration out.
Don’t kick it or break the headlights or set it on fire. 🔥
You may need it once this lockdown ends.
Don’t go out to meet someone you haven’t met since a long time just because it’s their birthday. Or marriage anniversary.
Your wife can wait. 🙅♀️
Celebrate all birthdays and anniversaries over videocalls.
Even the ones you don’t want to. To get out of them early, say something believable, like you were on the roof and a pigeon you forgot to feed snatched your phone from your hand, and you had to parkour over 4 buildings to get it back, only to find it broken.
When you step outside to buy groceries, wear a good mask.
Wearing the Batman mask you got for Halloween does not count.
While out getting groceries, if you get chased by a dog, just try to get to a safe place quick.
Do not attempt to throw anything at it, including stones, sticks and cats. 🐈
If you get chased by a pigeon, feed the pigeon the bag of Cheetos you just bought from the grocery store.
If your grocery store does not sell Cheetos, then change your grocery store.
Stay safe. Stay home. Thank you for reading these 8 tips! 🤗